Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off — go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Q: What is a bus ?
A: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Cross-Eyed Monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won’t stand in your way.

What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head?
The deceased !

“Is everyone in the bus?” asked the driver, before he closed the door.
“No,” called a lady, “wait until I get my clothes on.”
All the passengers in the bus turned towards the door to look at the woman. She got on with a bag full of laundry.